I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
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[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic