I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
just witnessed a drug deal
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him