I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

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[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao




[i arrive in super hell]


I touch myself when I think of you
Oh! Wait It’s not what you’re thinking,
I mean I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.


Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..


Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]


[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]


If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!


HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair


8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.


Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.