[i arrive in hell]
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
[i arrive in super hell]
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
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I touch myself when I think of you
Oh! Wait It’s not what you’re thinking,
I mean I’m mostly scratching my head wondering what I saw in you.
Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.