I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
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Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
how to have an accident 101
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.