Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named

Me: *Nodding* Fight Club

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

boss: where have you been for the past seven days

me: in bed

boss: but i said sleep was for the weak

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

Me: So, where are you from?

Her: I’m from Canada.

Me: Wow, your English is great!

shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie