“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
After 35, your body ages in dog years
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Me irl
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…