“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
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I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
No matter how much Polynesian food you eat, you always want Samoa.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
*puts words between two asterisks*
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.