Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

[cute guy approaches at bar]

Him: Hey can I…

Me: [blushing] Yes?

Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?

“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”

But…I’m Swedish!

“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

[my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

Bit chilly again tonight.