“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
the clam before the storm
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.