Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.