“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
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That’s not how days work.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.