“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
You Might Also Like
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
pain
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.