“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
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Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.