I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!