McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
If you open a door for me, I will lick you. Sometimes it’s awkward.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.