I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Trying
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
My life coach traded me.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital