I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
The options really are this bad
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face