I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Oh, I bet you would be
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
No one:
London landlords:
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”