I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
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My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
What a website
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET