Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Basketball games are very squeaky.

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.

ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!

AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

👍

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Gemma Correll

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.