I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
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Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
She puts the hot in psychotic
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers