I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
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Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!
me: you know that’s not true, Patsy
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.