I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
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I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.