I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
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Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
my friends when i can’t do basic math
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
#Caturday
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS