I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
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With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
“The Perfect Relationship”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured