I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
You Might Also Like
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
me refusing to leave twitter
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist