Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

me: hi, I have no power at my house

power company: ok, when did it happen

me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake