Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

[marriage counseling]

He barely knows who I am anymore

“That’s not true, Karen”

LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.