Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.

Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?

Are you even trying to keep him alive?

[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

This will never not be funny 😭

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword