Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.

Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.

(one hour later)

Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.

Stomach: Gross

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?

Her: Yeah, a little…

Me: I was talking to my mom!

Mom: No, I’m fine.

If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

Happy birthday to all the women

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

I have a new favorite conspiracy theory

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

Brilliant!

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more