@mortimermaiden

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

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@MartaEffing

My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh… That’s more like it.

@TheBoydP

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

@kcmoore51

16: My friend is coming to get something while we’re gone.

Me: Should we leave a key?

16: No, she’ll just go thru the doggie door again.

@copymama

My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.

@UgghNotyou

Learn to put yourself first unless you’re in a battlefield.

@Beesthegame

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

@causticbob

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.