I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
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My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I never needed anything more in my life
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack