I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
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i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).