Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”

???????????????????????

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

Sorry I disappeared from our zoom

I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog does and pee a little

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.