Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

😂🐾

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇

*links to story on mainstream media site*

“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks