Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit