I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
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Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.