I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
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I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I cannot stop laughing at this
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.