I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
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Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
SONOFA
From my Mom
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Guy who likes music
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.