I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
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Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Can. I. Help. You.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.