I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
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If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
