I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
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FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her: