I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
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I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma