I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
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I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude