Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

Me: Absolutely broke.

Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

At my funeral sit me up so I can see who’s talking to my man

[Hydra command meeting]

Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!

Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.

best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets

You saw nothing. I am ham.

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.