I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
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If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
This is enough internet for the day.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?