Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”