I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
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I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.