Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?

Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.

Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Seems legit.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.