Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

that de-escalated quickly

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

My relationship with tea has always been strained.

If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

My work here is don’t.

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.

I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.