I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
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Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
my name if I was in the mob
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags
me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.