I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
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When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
The photographer’s assistant
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead