I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
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M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
Rest assured?!
Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”