I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
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It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Never forget.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.