Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

My work here is don’t.

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

i spent way too long on this

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

Girl1: Why are you so happy?

Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow