Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

I feel attacked.

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

Me recordaron éste meme

[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

-first day at NASA-

colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

me: do you guys do this in every elevator

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others