I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
found my next D&D character name
Aight bet
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless