I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
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Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
OH. COME. ON.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.