Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!

Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!