Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

Skip intro

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

Best table by far

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.