I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
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[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.