I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
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little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family