“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
You Might Also Like
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
wishing you and yours all the best
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
What has three thumbs and wishes his mom did not participate in that medical study
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.