“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
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Give a baker flours on your first date.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.