Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.

A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”