Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Them: You should try keto
Me:

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start

“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random