‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
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Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.