‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
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Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
it takes so much energy
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
how much for the angry fruit?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?