I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
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I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Foot f**ish should just be called feetish
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Me: Please take my kids for a little bit
School: lol snow
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.