I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
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not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again