Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.

A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn

Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.

All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen

Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.

Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )

Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”