“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding