“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
The Backseat Boys
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
So, can we agree on 4 or
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.