I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
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[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Bringing back this classic
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Managing expectations
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime