I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
You Might Also Like
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.