Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

you’re so productive for your wage

How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?

apparently this year was written by stephen king

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

villager: ah! run! it’s frankenstein!

dr. frankenstein: actually, i’m frankenstein. you can call him frankenstein’s-

frankenstein’s monster: *glaring*

dr. frankenstein: frankenstein’s friend

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)