The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
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told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
my dad has had enough
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal