I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
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Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
For anyone who needs this today
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?