I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
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Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag