Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?

Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

Doctor: You have bronchitis

Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?

Running your mouth is not cardio.

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

[first day as a pharmacist]

CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.

ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..