I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
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I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively