Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?