Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

🔥🔥

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.

My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation