I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
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never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy