I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
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ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”