I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
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[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
This makes total sense…
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
We avoided this particular disaster
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.