Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

british sex workers really pound for pound

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

[meeting]

Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children

Demon in the back: I have the soy latte

You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.

I have never related to anyone more.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.