Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

Hear me out: WrestleVania

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

Not😆🤣

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”